Make A New Beginning

Lord my God,
I have done nothing good,
yet by Your compassion help me
to make a new beginning.


I feel a resistance to this post. The same resistance that has overwhelmed three years of my life in a literary drought. It's also the one that defers prayers for later till never, that breaks off from learning Greek after ten minutes of study. Other times it's persuasive force is masked behind a facade of pleasant little delinquincies-- a beer when it's time to think, a facebook update when a phone call is overdue. Complacency is a violence that fights trench wars in my mind-- all's quiet until I make the slightest feint at a change in position.

But nevermind the resistance. This post is about a new start afforded me today as I begin a new term of study at a new school with new people. For some reason, I have an almost-constant longing to bulldoze my life and start again. Perhaps the certain intuition that something isn't right, that my life isn't fully realized as it is, and that I need another chance to escape some kind of fatalistic momentum accumulating around my existence. Today the chance to start fresh is tangible and real, not in daydream but in plain day. But more than some kind of cheap makeover or redefined image, what I long for is at last to make a start at becoming a real Christian.

Dr. Rossi gave a talk during the orientation that kindled this hope again in me. He passed out notecards and asked us to write down our answer to the question "What will you say when asked why you've come to seminary?" To be honest, my first answer is "uh-oh." On one level, I have no real idea why I'm here. On another level, that's a complete lie. I can't know God's plans for me after I graduate, and I don't yet know my own aspirations clearly; yet I do not doubt that I am here for God's good reasons, and I trust, as far as I am able in my small faith, that this purpose will eventually be clear to me and that God will take care of me in the meantime to accomplish whatever He wants, if I will let Him. The answer that I actually wrote down on the card is this:

I have come here to seminary to become a (more?) real Christian and to prepare to offer my life to God in some way.

Dr. Rossi gave us all the answer he believes is true for us: Dr. Rossi thinks I'm here to learn how to pray, and that means to become more intimate with Jesus Christ.

I think this answer is the same thing I was trying to say.

There are really only a few things that I need to accomplish here. In all likelihood, all of life here will try to push me away from these few things, towards anything good but unnecessary. But if I graduate without doing these few things, I will make my time here a failure. Here are these things:

1. To be silent before God every day and listen in peace.
2. To do #1 by saying the Jesus Prayer for 15 minutes a day.
3. To do #1 by reading a little from the scriptures each day, with the practice of lectio divina
4. To do #1 by doing some spiritual reading from the fathers or saints.
5. To do #1 by practicing holy rest on Sundays-- scooping out a time for stillness and peace in Sabbath.

There is one other thing that's just a little different from #1:

To be a brother to everyone else
A) especially to find a few close brothers to be honest with,
B) to avoid blowing people off or being wholly consumed in my own studies, thoughts, and problems.

Perhaps there is also one other thing also needful:

to live in and constantly return to the present moment, in humility and gratitude.


So for the next post, I want to outline some practical ways of doing all these things. To prime the line, here are a few of my goals for my time here:

-to attend chapel constantly and attentively
-to attend lectio divina on Wednesday nights and have it for an oasis
-to retool my prayer rule and stick to it, especially making certain that I am really coming quietly into the presence of God and not just humming away mindlessly.
-to avoid ever talking negatively about anyone who is not present, or to listening in to such talk.

I'm completely exhausted now, so the rest will have to wait.